Dear Neighbour - A Letter I May Not Bother To Send
Dear Mr. Bang,
I'm sorry, I don't know your actual name but as your only means of communication with me is of a percussive nature, until you learn to articulate yourself in a more evolved manner (step it up to a grunt, perhaps?) "Mr. Bang" it is. In fact the aforementioned banging is exactly the reason I'm writing to you. It appears that you seem to want to communicate with me when I practice my baritone horn. I don't know if you've noticed but this is not a good time for me and I'm sad to say that I don't actually understand whatever it is you are trying to say. If you're capable of speaking English, perhaps we should have a chat sometime. I'll bring my drum if it helps break down the language barrier. With regards to my practice time, Please allow me to point a few things out. I'll try to keep it as simple as possible for you. I'm a baritone player in a marching band. Being part of a band means I have to maintain a decent standard of musicianship. This requires daily practice. Playing brass instruments requires that you have a decent amount of warm up time or you will suffer in performance and possibly even damage the muscles used in playing the instrument. It's like any kind of exercise, warm up, do your thing, warm down. In short this means that I need to practice for at least an hour a day and as I work for a living and don't get home until around 8PM I have two choices: Start practice at 4.30AM before I leave for work or practice when I get home. In the interest of being neighbourly I take the latter option and try to stick to the minimum amount of time I can get away with, always aiming to be wrapped up and done by 9PM or 9.30PM at the very latest. With that, I also try to play as quietly as possible for as long as possible but bear in mind that I do need to practice dynamics too so it's going to get a bit louder at times but because I'm a nice guy I try to stay below mezzo forte. You should also know that the banging is not really helping your case, whatever that may be as I find it irritating. If you continue trying to communicate in this manner I may start to become a little less considerate with regards to how long, how loud, how often and at what times I practice. I'm always happy to do more and until you find the cognitive capacity to use words and construct sentences like most modern, evolved human beings, how on earth am I supposed to know what you're trying to say? For all I know you might just want to borrow a cup of sugar or a club to hunt wild animals. In case it is the club you're after, I don't have one. My food comes from supermarkets. If you find my practicing a problem and for whatever reason can't work out to communicate like a human being, you should make a note of when it is happening, what it is and how often (I suggest keeping a log) and report it to the Mid Sussex District Council Environmental Health Department. You can find details of how to do this at the following web address:http://local.direct.gov.uk/LDGRedirect/index.jsp?LGSL=412&LGIL=0&ServiceName=Report+a+noise+nuisance Good luck with that.Yours SincerelyLee A. Stacey
p.s. The banging isn't working so save your energy and give up.p.p.s. I'm already doing the bare minimum I can get away with so if it annoys you that much you had best go and find somewhere else to live.
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